


Beat of his wings

by Dalankar



Category: EXO (Band), Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 19:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sings and he dances and pretends his mind isn't backstage where the love of his life is lying unconscious on their change room couch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beat of his wings

**Author's Note:**

> Just because of Donghae's sad eyes.

Donghae doesn't smile for the first half hour of the concert. He barely even looks at any of the other members and half mumbles through his lyrics.

 

Their manager pulls him aside in their first break and shoves a handful of pills on to his hands and a water bottle. Donghae's shoulders slump but he drinks the pills down with barely a grimace.

 

For the next two hours of their concert, Donghae grins bright enough to light up the arena. He plays around with the other members and the fans. What if his hands shake as he sings and he has to grip the microphone with both hands? What if Donghae's smile has too many teeth and his hugs are hard enough to leave bruises?

 

None of that matters. As long as SM gets Donghae the performer, Donghae the person who might not want to smile all the time, who might sometimes want to curl up in his bed and not get up fades in to non-significance.

 

Hyukjae watches him curl up in a corner in their dressing room afterwards. He crouches down beside Donghae and feels the tremors that wrack his body. He holds Donghae close as he grips Hyukjae’s hands as if he’s drowning.

 

\---

 

It started after his father passed away. The weight of that grief was added by Heechul hyung's accident and Donghae never truly recovered from the trauma. Hyukjae’s own accident and the near loss of Kyuhyun certainly didn't help and neither did the departures of Kibum and Han Geng. It was one blow after another and amidst the ridiculous schedules they had to keep, there was no time for Donghae to come to terms with anything. There was no time for Hyukjae to understand the sadness in Donghae's eyes or why he barely spoke anymore.

By the time he realised, it was too late. And SM was all too ready feed Donghae drugs to keep him in the group, at least until their new 12 member group got off the ground.

 

\---

 

Hyukjae answers most of the questions, Donghae standing quietly by his side. Shuffling side to side at times and looking around at all the guests arriving at the ceremony. Hyukjae smiles brighter than the camera flashes, and keeps the interviewer distracted enough with funny stories about Sungmin hyung's collection of bowties that they never notice the way Donghae grips the back of Hyukjae's jacket with sweaty fingers, or the way Donghae leans too close to Hyukjae when the cheers of the fans get too loud.

 

He presses his lips to the back of Donghae's neck when they steal a moment of peace in the bathroom.

 

Donghae smiles at him in the mirror. It's the only one that had reached his eyes in the whole day.

 

"I'll take the pills next time," he promises softly.

 

Hyukjae shakes his head and wraps his arms around Donghae's waist, his chin resting on Donghae's shoulder. "No," he smiles as Donghae's hands come up to rest on his own. "You hate the pills."

 

Donghae laughs. "I'm the only one."

 

They hear the door open and Hyukjae swallows his protest and lets go of Donghae, taking a step back as Donghae leans closer to the mirror to fix his hair.

 

Hyukjae recognises the sound of laughter before he sees Chanyeol stumble in to the bathroom with Wu Fan right behind him with a hand gripped in the back of his jacket to keep him from falling.

 

Chanyeol freezes before breaking in to a wide smile and bowing with an excited “hyungs!” Wu Fan follows suit with a strange twist of his lips that might be a smile or a grimace. Hyukjae fights the urge to laugh.

 

"Is the break finished?" he asks instead. Chanyeol's curious eyes look over to Donghae before coming back to Hyukjae.

 

"Yes, hyung. But Wu Fan couldn't hold it anymore," Chanyeol laughs and Wu Fan, who had understood his name and Chanyeol's laugher, pulls at Chanyeol's hair. Chanyeol squeaks, turning around to catch Wu Fan's hands. Wu Fan laughs and backs away.

 

"Stop it." Donghae's voice cuts through the room and for a moment everyone freezes. Chanyeol turns towards them to meet Donghae’s displeasure with wide eyes and bows deep.

 

"I'm sorry, hyung," he whispers as Wu Fan copies him exactly.

 

Donghae turns, glances at the boys and up at Hyukjae.

 

"Hae…"

 

Hyukjae stares after him as the door swings shut before turning back to the boys, who are hesitantly straightening up.

 

"We are sorry, hyung," Wu Fan says, hesitant but precise.

 

"Don't worry about it," he says lightly. He reaches up to ruffle Chanyeol's hair. Chanyeol squirms but stays still. Hyukjae takes pity on him and lets his hand fall to the side of his face and uses his right hand to pull Wu Fan closer. Chanyeol's eyes are wide and Hyukjae can see the hurt written so clearly on his features. "I mean it. He," Hyukjae takes a deep breath, "he's not himself today." Chanyeol nods, Wu Fan stares at him. Hyukjae sighs and follows after Donghae in to the bright lights.

 

\---

 

He finds Donghae asleep on his bed when he comes home late. Jungsu hyung is a sleep beside him, arms loosely wrapped around Donghae, who rests his head close enough to Jungsu hyung that his dark hair is brushing against hyung’s face.

 

Hyukjae stares at them. He'd messaged Donghae to let him know he'd be late, he hopes Jungsu hyung found him before he'd had to wait too long. He decides to sleep over in Donghae's room and is about to turn away when Jungsu hyung shifts.

 

"Hyukjae?"

 

"Go back to sleep, hyung," Hyukjae says as their leader carefully untangles himself from Donghae without waking him, "I can sleep in Donghae's room."

 

Jungsu hyung sits up, stretching slightly. "He was waiting for you."

 

"I know."

 

"He missed you."

 

Hyukjae wants to say he was only away for a day but Jungsu hyung knows that. "Was he…?"

 

"He didn't take his pills," Jungsu hyung whispers, looking down at Donghae.

 

"He hates the pills," Hyukjae says, unbuttoning his shirt and folding it before putting it in the laundry basket.

 

"I wish I could…" Jungsu hyung sighs. "I wish I could get them to let him go. Even for a little while." Hyung looks up him and his lovely eyes are sad.

 

Hyukjae touches Jungsu hyung’s hand with gentle fingers.

 

"They will never let him go, hyung."

 

"Thank you, Hyukjae, for looking after him so well." Jungsu hyung’s smile when it appears on his face is small but sincere.

 

Hyukjae smiles and climbs in to bed, Donghae murmurs in his sleep and inches closer.

 

"I hate the pills too," he says as he slides down beside Donghae and feels Donghae's hair tickling his face.

 

He hears Jungsu hyung hyung closing the door with a soft click and closes his eyes, glad for the remaining warmth from hyung’s body.

 

He doesn't know that Jungsu hyung had found Donghae shivering in a corner of Hyukjae's room, that there are bruises on hyung’s arms when Donghae held on to him too tight.

 

But he holds on to Donghae and wishes they'd wake up somewhere else anyway.

 

\---

 

Hyukjae grasps for Donghae's hands and fails. Siwon pulls Donghae away as he tries to lunge again. Jungsu hyung has his arms wrapped rock solid around Hyukjae's chest.

 

"Let go!" Hyukjae yells, reaching again. Donghae's panic seems to multiply at Hyukjae's voice and he struggles in Siwon's hold.

 

"Calm down! Calm down!" Jungsu hyung commands in his ear. "You're making him even more scared!"

 

Hyukjae stops, gasping for breath in Jungsu hyung’s arms. The others have arrived at the living room and are gaping at them. Jongwoon holding on to a wide eyed Ryeowook’s hand to stop him from entering the fray.

 

"They only want to make sure he's alright," Jungsu hyung says, arms loosening but not letting go.

 

"Why can't I go?" Hyukjae asks and refuses to acknowledge that he sounds like petulant ten year old.

 

Donghae has calmed down now that Hyukjae is still, he stands quietly in Siwon's hold while Hyukjae talks things over with their leader.

 

"They want to speak to him alone," Jungsu hyung says gently.

 

"But-"

 

Jungsu hyung steps infront of him, hiding Donghae from his view. "Stop." Jungsu hyung commands. "This has to happen. Do you want for him to get worse?"

 

Hyukjae gasps and takes a step back. "Of course not."

 

Jungsu hyung’s face softens. "He'll be fine Hyukjae."

 

Hyukjae peers around hyung at Donghae, watching him with wide eyes.  "Okay," he whispers. "Okay. Just, hyung," he looks at Jungsu. "Please stay with him. He doesn't like being alone with strangers."

 

Jungsu hyung smiles. "I promise."

 

Donghae flies into him when Siwon lets him go at Jungsu hyung’s nod.

 

Donghae buries his face in Hyukjae's neck as Siwon herds the other members out of the room. Hyukjae wraps his arms around Donghae tightly and feels Donghae shake.

 

"It's okay. You're okay," he whispers into Donghae's hair.

 

"I don't want to go," Donghae mutters against his skin.

 

"I know. But Jungsu hyung will be there. You won’t miss me at all."

 

Donghae's arms tighten around him.

 

Hyukjae cards his fingers through Donghae's hair. "I'll be here when you get home. I'll be right here." He draws back and looks at Donghae's face. Donghae's eyes are wide and his shirt is twisted from when he had tangled with Siwon.

 

He straightens Donghae's shirt, pulling it down and adjusting the collar. "Hurry up and come home so I can beat you in Mario cart!"

 

This earns him a small smile.

 

Jungsu hyung holds Donghae's hand as they walk out to the van and Hyukjae watches Donghae touch his hand to the window once he is inside. Hyukjae places his hand on the living room window in answer, ignoring the cold glass that is sucking the warmth out of his skin.

 

\---

 

Hyukjae sees Donghae's knees buckling. Sees the look of surprise on Donghae's face as he falls. He doesn't realise he's running until he is half way across the stage. Siwon, who'd been the closest to Donghae, catches him before he hits the ground. He barely hears Jongwoon hyung’s voice in the background, keeping the song going but right now he doesn’t give a fuck about the song or the show or anything. His world has narrowed down to a single person lying so helplessly in Siwon's arms. He sees Jungsu hyung running towards them from the other side of the stage, and Sungmin hyung right behind him.

 

He doesn't feel the impact on his knees as he crashes to the ground beside Donghae. His eyes are closed and under the bright white lights of the stadium, he looks so pale and so frail in Siwon's strong arms.

The crew arrives right after him and unceremoniously pushes him out of the way and he's about to push right back when Jungsu hyung grabs his hand.

"Let them take him off the stage," Jungsu hyung says against his ear.

 

"I want to go with them," he tries to pull away from hyung’s grip as the crew carry Donghae down the stairs towards backstage.

 

"You need to be here, Eunhyuk.” Hyukjae turns to Jungsu hyung to tell him to shove it and that using his stage name never works when it comes to Donghae because to Donghae Hyukjae is always Hyukjae, whether he is on stage or off. But then he hears the worried whispers of the crowd and even Ryeowook’s perfect pitch isn't enough to keep them happy. "The show must go on, Hyukjae.” Jungsu hyung's voice is gentle, almost apologetic.

 

"I'll check up on him when I get my break,” Sungmin hyung adds, rubbing a hand up and down Hyukjae's arm.

 

So Hyukjae stays. He sings and he dances and pretends his mind isn't backstage where the love of his life is lying unconscious on their change room couch.

 

 

 

 

He runs to the rooms when his break comes, pushes past the stylists and the make-up artists and dodges his next change of costume in the corridor and stumbles in to the change room to see Donghae sitting up on the couch. Arriving in time to see the white pills in Donghae's hands and their manager opening the cap off a water bottle.  Sungmin hyung is sitting on the arm of the couch, biting his lip worriedly.

 

He makes it to Donghae in three steps and rips the pills away, scattering them on the ground. Donghae looks up at him in shock and he looks so tired that Hyukjae has no idea how he's keeping his eyes open. Hyukjae looks at their manager.

 

"No pills," he says, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

 

"He needs to get back on stage,” manager states with a calm voice.

 

"He needs to go home. He needs to sleep. He needs to be away from all of this!" he yells. "He needs you to stop trying to suck him dry until there's nothing left. He hates the fucking pills!"

 

"Calm down, Hyukjae," Jungsu hyung says, entering the room while KRY holds the stage.

 

Hyukjae is about to tell Jungsu hyung to shove it for a second time when Donghae reaches out to take his hand. Hyukjae looks down at him, startled.

 

"Hyuk," he says and tries to smile but Hyukjae would never consider the twist of his lips to be a smile. He knows Donghae's smiles. They can light up Seoul. This is like a dying ember, losing life with every second.

He crouches down next to Donghae. "I'll be alright. I just need-"

 

"No," Hyukjae says firmly.

 

"Eunhyuk-sshi, you need to get changed now," the stylist pokes her head through the door. Hyukjae glances at her and back up their manager.

 

"I'll go on stage if Donghae gets to go home."

 

The manager’s eyes widen and Hyukjae sees Jungsu hyung about to speak before Youngwoon hyung puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head.

 

"You can't do that," the manager says.

 

Hyukjae draws himself up, eyes never leaving the managers face. "Watch me."

 

"The president will be very unhappy."

 

Hyukjae knows. But he pushes the fear away. He'll face that when he has to. Right now, Donghae is his priority.  "Let him be. I don't give a fuck. You need me on that stage more than you need Donghae right now because he can barely stand up. And I will go on that stage and dance to your strings as long as Donghae gets to go home."

 

It is a measure of how tired Donghae is when he slumps against Hyukjae instead of protesting. It only helps strengthen Hyukjae's resolve even further.

 

"Fine. We will release a statement saying Donghae is suffering from heat exhaustion."

 

Hyukjae wants to laugh but he presses his lips to Donghae's sweaty hair instead. "You better be a sleep on my bed when I get home," he whispers in to the hair.  Donghae shifts slightly in his arms.

 

“Mmm.”

 

Hyukjae smiles.

 

“Eunhyuk-sshi!” The stylist’s increasingly high pitched voice reminds him again and he stands up, hand trailing over Donghae's hair.

 

“Take him home,” He says to the manager and walks away with the gaggle of stylists gathered at outside the door.

 

\---

 

He comes out the meeting with the president' hand print on his cheek and a warnings about ever thinking about pulling a stunt like that again and knows it was worth it. He'd do it gain a thousand times if it means Donghae gets one more hour of sleep.

 

Donghae freezes when he sees the bruise and Hyukjae lets his eyes fall shut when Donghae touches the side of his face with trembling fingers.

 

"I'm sorry," Donghae whispers.

 

Hyukjae opens his eyes to see the tears shining on Donghae's face and leans forward to kiss them away.

 

"I'm not." He kisses Donghae on the lips. "I'm not."

 

 ***

 

 

 


End file.
